To Forgive Or To Not Forgive

We've both told our sides of the story. And we don't see eye to eye in what happened. You said that the ball is in my court and that it's my decision if we should still stay friends. But honestly I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should risk playing second fiddle to two girls who aren't good friends or just give up on a three year friendship. If my mom have had her way I would have already forgiven you and just forgot what happened. But since this is my life and in fact my decision I don't know if I want to be hurt again. Last year was such a hard year for me because of being bullied so now I don't know if I want to have another stressful year. I stayed up a few nights last year worried. I know that last year shouldn't have anything to do with this year and this situation but somehow I don't want a repeat of last year. I just wish things could go back to how they were.

You Prove My Point

I knew that it was true when I wrote it out: you chose them over me. I don't care how long you knew them before me but I was a much better friend then they were combined. You spent so many nights on the phone with me stressed because they were mad at you for something stupid. It didn't matter that I was tired or that I had my own problems, I stayed awake and gave you advice. Everyone could see that they put you through hell yet you stayed friends with them through it all. According to you they don't mean any of the things they say or do to you and well, that's a load of b.s. and you know it. You may think I'm harsh and judge your decisions but just wait until you make it in the real world. Compared to that I'm a nice person. Because I don't think you get how far you've pushed me. I'm so close to just giving up being friends with you so I don't feel the stress you've put me under.

I'll Show You

Do you expect me to break down and give in? Well I'll just show you how strong I am. See how far you can push me until I give up on you completely. I'm sick of being the bigger person so I'm done trying. If you were really sorry you would have made more of an effort instead of just a text. I've told you time and time again if you have the courage to come up to me or call me I will give you a chance to explain yourself. Since you didn't feel like doing that then why should I come up and talk to you. Why should I make an effort when you didn't even try. I wasn't the one who lost your trust so I have nothing to be sorry for. People can think whatever they want because honestly I'm done trying to please everyone. Last year all I wanted to do was make everyone else happy but this year all I want to do is make myself happy. This means not caring what people think about me and my decisions. All I'm going to do is enjoy my sophomore year.

Decisions, Decisions

So remember my last long post about having two strikes? Well now I have to make a decision. Do I forgive and forget or do I risk a friendship and hold a grudge? I've given her so many chances but somehow she keeps on bringing me down. Through our whole friendship I've stuck up for her when she was wrong, fought her battles, and burned bridges with people all because of her. Why do I keep giving her more chances? I don't know what to do since I'm pretty sure I'll have to make a decision tomorrow. I don't want to ruin our already breaking friendship but I don't know if I can handle the stress I'm under when we're friends. I'm constantly worried that if I tell her a secret she might slip and reveal it to someone. I shouldn't be worried about that in a normal friendship but somehow I am. I'm so lost because I don't know what to do!

Gunpowder and Lead

Listening to Miranda Lambert always undoes my stress.

Strike 2

When I tell one of my best friends something I expect it to be kept a secret unless I tell you it's okay to tell people. It doesn't matter who you're friends with besides me. If I tell you something don't tell anyone else, it's as simple as that. Seriously this is the second time she has lost my trust by doing something to hurt me. I made it clear last time that she couldn't do this to me again and what does she do no more then three months later, hurt me again. I don't know what hurts worse, having her tell people specifically what I said or knowing that she couldn't even keep a simple secret. I don't know if I'm more mad or disappointed. I'm disappointed because I thought we were getting back to how things used to be. She doesn't know how mad I am right now even though I told her I was angry. I guarantee tomorrow she'll say she's sorry and that it won't happen again but I don't know if I can be okay with it this time.

Leaving Your Family

When I think about the soccer team I had for a short time this year I think of them as a family. We all had certain roles to play and we all got along. If we lost we didn't get attitudes or get mad at each other but we talked about what we needed to work on in practice the next day. I feel sad that I left them because I wanted to be someone the new freshman could look up to. I had been in their position once before and knew what it felt like to be new and to not know your place on the team. I know they think they need me to make the team but really they don't. One person doesn't make a team no matter how good of a player. A team is made up of a group of people who get along and who want the same goal. I know I said in the beginning of summer that I wouldn't give up on soccer but I don't think I've loved the game since I played for Mentor. I don't know what happened over the past six years but I fell out of love with the game. It could have been the girls I played with or something else but I'll never know. I know for a fact that the girls are going to be fine without me but I'll always miss playing with them. Good luck this year girls and I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines!

Once a Lion always a Lion!

xoxo

Day 30

My reflection:

When I look in the mirror I see a girl. This girl has been through so much and has always fought through the hard times. She is stronger than anyone knows because she keeps her feelings inside until she is about to burst. She sticks up for the people she cares about even if that means getting into an argument. At times she feels like giving up but somehow she gets the strength to pull through. When she can't go on she finds support in the people she surrounds herself with. These people know how to pick her up and set her on the right path. Sometimes she is naive and jumps before looking. She opens her heart up to others and at times gets it broken. Through all the tears that she has shed she has not let anyone change her or make her weak.

Don't ever give up and let someone bring you down. Follow your dreams and don't be afraid to get hurt. Stop and look at the world if only for a few minutes. Be the one person your friends can count on and always be there ready to listen to them. This year work your hardest and succeed.

xoxo

Day 29

Dear Allison,

I wish I could tell you everything that happens in my life. I'm to afraid to because I don't want you to judge me. I know you say you don't care but deep down inside I know you do. It's hard to tell you what happens in my life when you hardly share what's happening yours.

Love,

Lindsay

Day 28

To my family, friends, and enemies,

With the help of all of you I have changed. I have learned to love myself for who I am and to not worry what anyone else thinks of me. I used to want to please everyone but now I've learned that I don't have to. I don't have to make someone else happy if they don't like my decision. And for learning this I wanted to say thank you. Thank you for making me stronger and push through all of the negativity that I've had in my life. At times I have wanted to give up and quit, but instead I have pushed myself to keep moving. Whenever someone has made fun of me, or has put me down I have wanted to break down right then and there. Instead I have been strong and received support from my friends and family. I'm changed and ready for life.

Love always,

Lindsay

One Of Those Days

Have you ever felt just so tired that you want to pass out right where you are? Well today has been a day like that. I'm just so tired that I don't think I can keep myself awake unless I get my second wind. It all started this morning when I had to wake up at 5 a.m. Yes FIVE in the morning! Someone had to be on the crazy pills to think that this was a good idea. I would have rather been at home sleeping then on a bus on the way to Strongsville at six in the morning when it's still dark. It was fun to be a sophomore and know what your doing then be a freshman and not know your "duties". I'll admit I rebelled when my sister told me to clean up the balls or get the water but that was only because she's my sister so I have to give her a hard time. Some of the freshman just wouldn't suck it up and do what they're told. I know that I should be nice but it's hard because I realized what we put the upperclassmen through last year. The freshmen this year are nice and if I was in their grade I could see myself being really good friends with them. If they need advice or help I'll be there because I know it's hard making that transition into high school. I hope they do good this year and we come together and win as a team.

Day 27

Dear Strangers I Play Against In Soccer,

I know we are fighting for the same thing but somehow it's more fun when we aren't afraid to talk while we play. I think it lightens the mood a little bit since soccer is somewhat stressful. I'm not afraid to say that was a good play or at the end of the game say you played really good because I know it's true. I'll admit the truth to you since I don't even know you. The next time you play against me don't be afraid to talk to me.

Lindsay

Pledge For Peace

Even before the school year starts I know that there is going to be some type of drama that happens this year. It may be over new friends vs. old friends, sophomores vs. freshmen, or just something stupid. I hate drama. People who are close to me know that I will say something if you make me angry but I don't try to start an all-out war with you. I think it's stupid to waste my time where I could be spending it on benefiting myself. If I don't like you you'll know it when I don't include you. Trust me it's not to hurt you it's so I don't say something that I'll regret. I don't want to ever get the reputation of being a bitch because then people will judge me for being something I'm not. It's better if I just avoid the people who make me angry so then I won't get in trouble for having a big mouth. If you respect me then I'll respect you but don't try to hurt any of my friends or else there will be problems. It's true when I say this but I'm a lover not a fighter. If you love me for me then I'll love you for you.

Day 26

A pinky promise.........

Wow well I haven't made a pinky promise in such a long time that I forget the last time it happened. I think the last time that I made a pinky promise it was in sixth grade when I promised my old friends that we would still be close in the years to come. I'm sorry to say that didn't happen because we grew apart.

Lindsay

Thoughts

I love driving at night because it gives me time to think. As I look out the window in the pitch black of night it all somehow calms me. In the dark I can think and just wonder. I wonder how different my life would have been if I had made a few small changes. And I wonder if the goals that I've set for this year will be achieved. Will I succeed or fall flat on my face? I know some people are afraid of failure but I embrace it. When I fail it gives me a chance to grow and learn from my mistakes. In my head, mistakes are just stepping stone to my success. If I look back on my life so far I see how much I have grown and changed. I used to be a scared little girl who was afraid but now I want to keep trying new things. I want to try it all and not stop until I succeed. I want to push myself so that I won't give up. If I give up I'm afraid I'll fall back into being that little girl. That little girl was my past but since I've grown up I don't need her anymore.

Try

Don't be afraid to jump then fall. I think it's better to have tried and failed then to have never tried at all. No matter how hard I try to tell my friends this they don't seem to trust me that I'll be there. If you fall, I'll be there to catch you. No matter what happens I'll be there, waiting. I would put it all on the line to help a friend like I have in the past. All you need to do is take the first step and I'll support you. Put your heart on the line and trust that someone will be there to catch it.

"And we know it's never simple, never easy. Never a clean break, no one here to save me."

Day 25

I'm sad to say that I don't know who is going through the worst of times. If I knew one of my friends was going through a hard time I would be there for them. If they needed to talk I would always be there at any hour ready to talk.

Lindsay

Let's Make It Official!

I passed my temps test! I can now officially drive a car when I have one of my parents with me.

Stuck

I wish I was here relaxing rather than being stuck in Ohio.

Day 24

Dear Rachel,

I think you gave me one of my favorite memories. When sixth grade started I was miserable. I didn't have the teacher I wanted, I wasn't with my best friend, and I didn't think I would have a good year. You told me the day of open house while I was crying that we were going to have the best year possible, and I am glad to say that we did. Sixth grade was one of my favorite school years because you knew how to make it fun. My favorite memory with you was on my birthday. You, Cate, Maddie, and I stayed up until 4:30 in the morning laughing, playing weird games we made up on the spot, and just enjoying being young. I'm sad that we don't talk anymore because you were such a good friend to me.

Love always,

Lindsay